Im sick and im twisted

6 months. and 2 months and 5 days

2008-12-14T00:05:24Z

I hate the saying things happen for a reason.

What reason was there for taking my grandparents away from me?
What reason was there for making my aunt and uncles act the way they did?
What reason was there for causing me this much pain causing my mom this much pain?
What reason was there for never being his old self anymore?
What reason was there for someone not giving support when it was so desperately needed?

I feel like when somebody says "things happen for a reason" it's just them wanting to be helpful which i guess is great but it doesn't do anything for me.

bottom line is unless you can give me a fucking reason.
I dont care about anything.

I miss them too much.

do you realize that everyone we know someday will die.

2008-08-17T05:38:24Z

2 months. 2 very long months. 2 months of on and off crying myself to sleep. 2 months of a nightmare.

what why and how come....

2008-03-18T00:33:22Z

So I'm wondering why bad things happen in such a way where you never feel like you have a break in the world. Why cant you just get dealt one hand and deal with that for a couple of months and then a new one why does the world feel as though it is necessary to bombard you with problem after problem after problem. Sometimes it feels like the world just wont let me breath. Although my problems probably seem small to others they are always big and life changing to me. I wish I could just put a band aid over myself and make it all go away...unfortunately i just have to deal with it all. Why does it always come down to dealing with it at this point i just wanna run.

drunkwithdesire @ 2008-03-16T20:50:00

2008-03-17T00:51:00Z

i fucking hate putting my hopes on other people they constantly disappoint me.

Scars remind us that the past is real.

2007-12-04T03:50:45Z

So I'm being a bitch he says...well that may be true but still Bitch is a pretty harsh term don't ya think.
Why is it he can always say the words that cuts my knees right out from underneath me. Why is it when
I feel like I'm falling down instead of giving me his strong hand to depend on and help me up he shoves me
with the very hand I am expecting to be my salvation. I'm not good at being one of those strong girls who can walk away.
I can't let him come crawling back to me because well I simply know he won't. I admire Lauren more than anyone and the sad
part is she doesn't even know. To have suffered a heartbreak and survived I commend her. I wish I could do it and
she is still relatively happy I mean I know she wishes things were different but who doesn't wish that about their life.

I hate getting close to people, you would think i would have learned my lesson a long time ago but no. I, unfortunately, do not
learn from my first mistake or second mistake infact I rarely learn from any mistakes. Sometimes I feel like that the closer someone
is to you the more of a chance they have to hurt you and they know where to hit you where it hurts. If you know someone's secrets and
are a horrible enough person It is my belief that you can make them want to die. Sometimes he can make me wish that. Sometimes
I just want to be free and not worry about anything anymore. I know that it's just a phase and I'll be better in awhile, I also am well aware of
the fact that everybody goes through theses phases but why? Why can't I just know and i mean really know that I'm going to be okay in the end
that whatever i do I will amount to something. I had a teacher once tell me that what i was going through was a test and that how i handle it
will tell people what the kind of person i am. Why so many tests? Why not just one? Does it really take a multitude of tests to average out who you are. I know I am a patient, enduring person from softball...but on the pesimistic end I know that I allowed people to walk all over me and hurt my feelings and work my ass off for them for what it was pointless? And what of my accident what did i learn from that? I hate that ugly scar on my hand i hate it with a passion sometimes i wish i had a wand and could make it go away. to have that constant reminder of one of the worse if not the absolute worse day of my life there on display for all the world to see. I hate it I hate it so much. But I am a stronger person because of it i handled everything pretty damn well...on the outside. I don't know how I can start off talking about one thing and then go into something so completely opposite.
Im done for now...I just needed to vent.

Back to My Old Ways...

2007-10-10T01:15:45Z

When i was younger I always thought that my mission in life was to anger and upset people. I know i was a melodramatic kid but that's what I thought sadly enough. I'm afraid to say I feel like I'm that person again. My parents marriage is always less then stellar. One time my brother left the house because of something i said i guess...but my mom blamed me for it she even said so. Sometimes I used to feel that way with my best friend Lauren as well. Now it is happening with Chris. All I do lately is make him mad at me and the more mad he gets the more upset I get. Now I realize what I have to do, and that's be extremely selfless with my feelings about him. He told me that I shouldn't have expectations. Now that i'm thinking about it what is life without expectation...is it a good one or a bad one? My parents expect so much from me and I always feel like I fail them, but then I can go around and expect something more from me but that's okay. How am I allowed to have expectations for myself and not like it when others have it for me? I dont get it i really don't i never thought i had such high expectations but apparantly I do.
The worse part is I have been feeling so numb lately. I had a dream the other night that I was drowning and i couldn't swim and no one would help me. Then I kicked my shoes off and started floating towards the top. That's what I feel like now. I feel like I'm drowning and reaching for anything I can. I'm reaching for things to make me happy, im not talking in the moment happy I want to be a generally happy person if that makes sense. I Love Chris, I just wish I could let him be himself. Apparantly im naggy and expect too much from him.
Im depressed.

Love...

2007-10-05T16:59:28Z

He's breaking my heart a little more slowly each day.

Cuz I'm into Deep...

2007-08-30T04:10:51Z

Dear Journal,

So it's the end of summer and college is just around the bend...for most that is. Most of my friends are going away to school and me I'm going to community college, I know that this is the best decsion for me. So i could go into depth about what i did this summer but im going to choose not to just to simply say that i hung out with friends, made new friends, worked, and spent time with my boyfriend. The summer was interesting.

I decided that as much as it's a good thing to make new friends, it kind of sucks too. I mean the friends that surrond you now know you inside and out. A few of them always seemed to know you. New friends are scary because they dont know you and you dont know them...obviously i know but hear me out. You don't know whether or not they are just there to screw you over or are they there to genuinly be your friend for a lifetime? I guess everything in life is risky but how many times do you get burned by friends before the last time is too many? I met new friends and i thought they were totally awesome till they totally used me this summer and now im over it. I haven't learned yet to be guarded with people because I stupidly think that if you're guarded nobodys going to like you. I hope I learn to be a better judge of character throughout my life...that would be a good trait i would heart to posess.

Well i started this earlier and then i hung out with the boyfriend...so ill write again later probably

Sincerely,
Brittney

I Haven't done this in over a Year...

2007-05-18T01:46:05Z

I don't know if i will actually put this URL in my info or whatever or just vent to it to make myself feel better.

So it's been a year alot has happened i think the reason why i have never once written in this in the past year or so is because well we all know that myspace and facebook happened so livejournals are yesterday's trash in a way. So how do you sum up a year I guess you can start at the beginning but im so out of touch with my past that im not quite sure when the last thing i can remember is, So here it goes...

Graduation is in a month, Senior Prom is in 2 weeks. And as a senior im not sure if its just me or what but im coming to find my mind wanders as to what i learned here at this School where i "pursue excellence"<--im not even sure if thats how you spell pursue. What have i learned...Freshman year is not as terrifying as the freshman before you make it out to be, meeting new people is easy if you just open your mouth. School work is going to be hard and unbearable from time to time but who cares maintain a B go to rockland and transfer then you dont have to worry about SATs or ACTs and you can still get a quality education and its cheaper and who wants debt when your like 50 years old. Now im also not knocking those of you who are leaving believe me when i say that i think you are lucky as hell to get out of this town that we have conviently sarcastically nicknamed "funroe" You go through a lot of ups and downs through high school you may lose some friends but there will always be others to gain. Driving legally for the first time turning 18 your first boyfriend or girlfriend your first experience in witnessing how accepting monroe woodbury is with dress code. You also have to be prepared for the stuff thats going to get thrown at you, deaths, accidents, fights at home find a way to escape and do it. What does Graduation mean to Me? It means im still stuck here in monroe planning my escape, while others find there place in the world, but this is whats best for me, at least i think it is.

What inspired me to go back to journal writing? well ive had a pretty crappy week and i like to write stuff and i also have a lot of unanswerable questions that need to be asked despite the fact i will never know why this stuff happened. When out in public my family and i can act normal even like we get along and then you throw us in a house together and we are irritable and at each others throats although im never really sure i deserve half of the verbal assualts i recieve they are there and loud nonetheless. Where do you go when you need to escape your family and they tell you you are not allowed to go up to your room retreating into my own little world sounds crazy enough to work yet i still can not manage to do exactly that. I just am not sure where to go from here i mean sometimes i can barely breathe in my house sometimes the hostility and anger is so high.

well thats enough venting for one day.

--
brittney

p.s. i think i found the family ive always wished for and i found them in my friends which i guess is going to have to be good enough for me.

drunkwithdesire @ 2005-12-27T01:08:00

2005-12-27T06:23:27Z

I'm not living,
I'm surviving.

drunkwithdesire @ 2005-12-04T19:12:00

2005-12-05T00:14:01Z

im throughly convinced that shes slipping away from me.
im also throughly convinced that she doesnt need me for anything.

?why?

FUCK

2005-11-27T16:25:59Z

im going to be killed by my mother.

hey now.

2005-11-23T01:32:10Z

So i hung out with lauren last like thursdayish.

I hung out with Deirdre this weekend went to the Diner, went to the parking lot hahahahah TWICE. Anyways that was great she slept over which was also cool.

Today Sha Sha came over today to work on our english project which was awesome we went to walmart and then yea we did our project and hung out it was cool.

um im tired and im not going to school tomorrow.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY

Yipeeee!!!

2005-11-16T00:52:55Z

I got my LICENSE today :)

and i hung out with nicole today :D

DO IT PLEASE!!!

2005-11-12T03:34:39Z

if you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you

^um PLEASE

Wow...

2005-11-06T23:02:44Z

I didnt do anything exciting that is until SATURDAY NIGHT BITCHESSSS!!!!!

Saturday was like one of the most ideal days of a teenagers life.
I hung out with Deirdre ALL day...(i made jimmy a brownie cake tooooo, i felt compelled to mention him) anyways back to my incredibly awesome day...So me and deirdre went to national wholesale liquidators, and BARNES AND NOBLES we were in the same room as a famous person. Then we went out to eat. then went back to deirdre's house...all i have to say is that deirdre's parents were not home. That's enough for your imagination to do the rest what a great night my favorite phrase was "you two were totally eye fucking" <3

Today I came home fairly early fairly pumped. Then i called up lauren and asked her if she wanted to get lunch and oh yea being the good friend that she is we dropped off THE camera from saturday night it'll be done tomorrow :)Anyways so we went out to eat and yum. then we went to her sisters soccer game where some girl like almost died which was depressing then the car ride home i started dozing off hee hee then we ate pizza and talked and it was a good day and im hanging out with her tomorrow :D

<3
Brittney.

snuggles :D

Good Mood...

2005-10-29T16:14:22Z

Last Saturday, I went over Deirdre's house after work and all that needs to be said is that BAMF went down.

um this week felt like FOREVER...anyways.

All of friday in like school and everything i was in such a good mood it was CRAZY.
Last night i went over Laurens house after school and then we went to the mall and bought somthing. Then we went to the Olive Garden with Kristin and Meghan. It was so much fun HOLY SHIT, ive only been out to eat with them twice but both times the waiters feel as though they can be sarcastic with me which is cool cuz im sarcastic but its interesting at the same time. It was so much fun kristin flipped food on the table and there was this guy with hair that was well indescribable. "scotty doesnt know...." The car ride home was like insane because i got a sudden burst of hyperness which was rather amusing. When i got home i went online and then went to bed cuz i was tired.

Today i have work from 2-9:45.

<3 Brittney

I'm sick of the things i do when im nervous...

2005-10-22T15:42:08Z

I didn't do anything like all this week, I came home like everyday and slept which is not good at all i need to find something to keep me awake after school.

Last night i went to the Forest of Fear with lots of people and it was lots of fun, the slaughterhouse...um im not going to lie i did scream ALOT but it was fun to be scared i guess it was cool and the rides were fun especially the Scrambler with Rick and Lauren that was rather amusing. So much fun.

Today I have work from 2-9:45, they asked me to get my working papers but i cant get them because i havent gotten a physical in like forever so, idk if they'll let me work or not either way TODAY IM GETTING MY FIRST PAYCHECK :D.

Heart
Brittney

It's been a Long Time...

2005-10-16T18:35:14Z

Um I do not think that it is possible to remember everything that has happened in 15 days or so...I'll do what i can remember.

Spirit Week...Lame or at least in my opinion, I made shirts with Deirdre, Nykles, Nicole V., and Ashlely and that was cool. Then me and Deirdre made these swicked pants so that was cool. I didn't like pep rally all that much being as how i was sitting on the floor with like sharp pains in my back.

I hung out with Sarah alot.

Ohhh i hung out with Lauren and Julie the other night which was cool because i havent hung out with the two of them in the longest time. We went to the movies and saw In her Shoes, it was good, then afterwards we went to laurens and i had a revelation a good one. Us three are going to hang out more its a fact i hope...hahaha.

Work has been good i like all the people there, they are all so nice...i think i made a few new friends so yay! At work yesterday i saw steph silvari, and Steve not at the same time and that was pretty cool.

My road test is scheduled for November 15 so yikes! i can't wait.

Dennis is home from college for the weekend which is cool and not cool at the same time.

Last night I got wasted.
Today I'm a little sick.

<3
...Brittney...

3/4 jack and one inch Coke...that i thought was funny.

Wow.

2005-10-02T01:13:13Z

Today was one of the best days of my life...I don't even know really why it was.

I woke up and me and Sarah drove to Walmart to do some food shopping for my mom then we got wendys and went to a garage sale and a yard sale. Then we just chilled out. Then Deirdre called and was like want to go driving for awhile So we did we went to the park and that was lame so then we went driving and well hahhahaahahhahaha is all i have to say...majorly swicked time spent with her Royal Swickedness.

MUCH LOVE EVERYONE,
Brittney

the best part of believe is the lie

2005-09-29T20:20:23Z

So I got the job at target...if you didnt know that i was even going for a job well sucks for youuuu. Um well. So this week not so bad i have a bit of a soar throat which i think that my tonsils are going to rebel against my body and suffocate me.
Oh yea i also believe that the end of the world is near with all this funky weather and shit.

That's really it.

Oh I don't think deirdre will mind if i dispaly this in mine as well but i will quote her last entry in this very entry of mine....

"sooo...Im thinking sometime next weekend
probably saturday around 5-ish...
huge game of ultimate frisby at smith clove

who's in???"

-----we all remember last time..."2 BITCH 2."
should be fun if you'd like to join please tell me or her royal swickedness a.k.a. Deirdre!

OUTSKIIII

lies=hatred

i dont want to wait...

2005-09-24T19:21:57Z

Last week sucked.

I hung out with deirdre which was the highlight of my week. We talked and talking to deirdre really grounds me to this world which its awesome to have a friend like that and i hope you all get a deirdre of your own in life.

This week SO good.

Um let me think, I went to targets and applied then they called and i have an interview tuesday...ive never had a job before and im probably going to be the only person there that's actually excited to work...that is if i get the job which i REALLY want/need. I also joined the newspaper this week with Lauren...and i needed to be apart of a club so Yippeee. Friday(yesterday) I went out to eat at applebees with Lauren, Christine O, Kristin and Meghan...it was soo much fun lauren drove me and christine there and that was fun....i wont embarass lauren by mentioning the curb incident hee hee. Applebees was so much fun and before applebees me christine and lauren were running through the commons and i was taking pictures with garbage cans cuz im cool like that. Our waiter was nice he was um interesting his name was Larry short for Lawerence and it was amusing talking to him..."WHO DO YOU THINK?" It was awesome and they suggested doing it again this friday which would be AMAZING! The car ride home was fun too we were playing the music and singing it was so much so fun. After dropping Christine off we passed this like 10 year old on a skateboard wearing nothing but his boxers and as we passed he said, "HEYYYYY baby cakes," hahahahhaha it was the funniest thing EVER holy crap. Then i came home and sarah was here and then Jimmy Karl and smitty stopped by and we watched a rather amusing tape, and it made me realize that dennis is really not here anymore which i havent really realized yet.

Today im going to laurens house then tomorrow i have fall ball so peace out.

YIPPPEEEEEE

drunkwithdesire @ 2005-09-20T21:02:00

2005-09-21T01:03:26Z

This game is tiring and im done trying to fit myself in
but i cant fake it anymore
and i cant take it anymore.

Name.

2005-09-16T19:49:17Z

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cuz all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Got lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
And never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name

drunkwithdesire @ 2005-09-12T19:09:00

2005-09-12T23:13:36Z

So yea this is the second time im updating, I was like mom can i just schedule my road test and she's like you need lessons which okay so im not a "perfect" driver by her standards but im a good driver and it just fuckin sucks that my mom has that little faith in me. i hate how parents only see all the wrong your doing and never congratulate you on the good stuff, unless they do congratulate you and i just dont know. All i want to do is have a little freedom but by the way things are looking im not going to be able to drive untill im like 21 and by that time ill have to take myself to the fucking DMV. I hate this i know im a good driver this fucking blows.

and you know what if your going to say something or think something like all good things happen in time...you dont know my fucking life ive been wasting my time for the good stuff to happen.